I haven't been feeling very well for the past couple of weeks. I usually "lose" about half of the month to terrible head pain, dizziness, and visual problems, but this last month has been really rough. I've still worked out every morning and we've been very busy so I've had to just suck it up, all the while feeling like I have an axe stuck in the top of my head. How sad is it that after 10 years of feeling like this, I still sometimes reach up searching for the offending implement?
I sat in church Wednesday evening, thankful that I didn't have to teach Confirmation during this head explosion, but feeling a little contrite. I looked around at all the people, seemingly pain free, some complaining about the length of the service and the songs that were sung and they just pissed me off. When I feel good, I want to work hard, help people, clean my house, hang with my kid, get out of the house (!!), and just be normal. And when I see someone complain about anything, well, it just makes me mad.
And then, I realized, I don't know what they carry as well. Appearances can be deceiving as I well know. How many people have exclaimed with shock when I finally reveal to them my health challenges? "But, you look so good!"* And, so I blew away the anger and got lost in the beautiful music of the evening. I settled in with my little family, during a time when we're normally not together in such a peaceful way.
My pain didn't go away. After ten years of this disease, I realize it may never go away. My doctor finally said to me last fall, this is probably going to be it for you. I've tried every solution, except for a shunt in my brain, which I don't fit the criteria for receiving. I weighed less than I was diagnosed, so, hearing from my doctor that my pursuit of healthier body is and only should be for my happiness has been kind of a zinger. So many old resources tout weight loss as the ultimate solution, but I have to rely on the expertise of my Mayo doc who informed me that recent studies are showing that it's actually the disease that causes the weight gain. So, maybe I can start feeling less guilty and upset with myself over that and just keep on plugging away. "Or," my fantastic GP said, "maybe you'd weigh like 400 pounds if you weren't doing what you're doing." "Um, thanks." And then I punched him in his stethoscope. I still adore him, mostly because he does say those sorts of things to me.
So, if you haven't heard from me or you're starting to wonder what's going on with my blog or our family one, I'm probably just avoiding the screen. My head can't take the glare. Positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated then! Thank you.
*"But, you look so good!" is a common thing, we sickos hear. Want to learn more about you can help people with Invisible Illnesses? Rest Ministries provides resources for caregiver, concerned friends/family, and support for the chronically ill. Their Invisible Illness Week in September has meant a lot to me. I don't go in for all the blind faith, but I'm not a blind faith kind of girl. But, their articles and devotionals have made me feel understood and comforted when I feel my worst.
Taking a little time to play with words, to play with food, and just to play!