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Thursday, July 10, 2008

Surprised by a Picture

I just reviewed a few pictures from a weekend getaway we took a couple of weeks ago. Now, I've been feeling pretty good about dropping 32 pounds and I've lost a ton of inches, but when I look at these pictures, I just want to cry. Who is that fat person?

Yes, it's inch by inch, day by day melting away and it's hard work sometimes, but I wonder, will I always feel like the fat girl? It took me a long time to realize that that's exactly what I had become. And, for a very long time, I had denied admitting it. You'd think that those feelings would go away when you start losing.

I've mentioned before that I was a skinny kid. I could eat anything. When I got married, I weighed less than 100 pounds (mostly because my future in laws had stressed me out so much over wedding planning.) I obviously dealt with stress a different way then and I was very busy in a very active life and job.

Looking back on how I got fat, it started during those skinny years. I ate anything I wanted. When I got married, I matched my husband plate for plate. And, while living in a slightly boring area of the country due to a military posting, we ate for fun. I had a baby, the baby weight never came off. And, I didn't work out. Heck, I didn't have to when I was skinny, why would I have to now? And God said, HA!

I'm trying to be more forgiving of myself, but sometimes it's so very hard. When I look back on the last few years, owning my own business and dealing with that stress along with the horrible emotional betrayal of a friend in the business' last days, well, I ate to cope and didn't move AT ALL. During the course of my business, I had lost my dad and lost my best friend. Well, I can't say I really lost her, I lost what I THOUGHT was her. Turns out, she wasn't at all what she led me to believe. So, really, I lost nothing--she is the one that lost out big time. I miss what I thought she was. I know that she had to come up with a reason to be mad at me to rationalize what she's done and is doing to me. That's OK. Cope the way you need to. It will come back to you and then some. That's another story for another day. But, suffice it to say, I've done nothing wrong and she knows she has and perhaps can't face me because of it. Maybe one day, it will mend. Who knows?

So, now, I sit here reviewing pictures. I've come a long way. Perhaps I haven't dealt with things very well in the past, but I'm learning. It took a big step to admit that I was the fat girl and an even bigger step to start doing something about it. Now, it's time to heal the wounds and move on. I will never again judge a current picture, unless I have another one from my past to compare it to. And I will never again be out of the picture, just because I don't want to see who I really am.

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Taking a little time to play with words, to play with food, and just to play!