I think I sometimes forget my own value. It's easy to do when you're a mom. Everyone's needs come before yours. I think it's even stronger with us fat chicks.
I was looking through some old pictures the other day and was shocked when I came across a picture of myself at my heaviest (see above). I was feeling pretty cute that day, having a good time with my guys, skipping rocks into Lake Superior. We were taking lots of pictures, usually something that I used to hide from. There I am, with a big smile on my face, enjoying the day. And I was having fun. But, at the time, I didn't feel worth very much.
Here's the deal. I had just begun to realize that a person who was very near and dear to me wasn't the person I thought she was. I felt betrayed, lied to, and used up. I don't think we talk very much about what it feels like when we as women have toxic friendships and what it feels like when they end. This person, who I felt a sisterhood with, stole from me. She stole money. She stole trust. She lied to me. Worst of all, she hurt my son.
I look back on it now and realize that because of this, I completely stopped caring about myself. I packed on a few more pounds and was at the heaviest point of my life. The hurt was so raw that I can vividly remember this very day filled with joy as being one of the first after so much pain. I think it was that day that I began to care again.
Every day, when I get up, slog into my workout clothes and begin to face another day of eating and living healthfully, it feels like a new beginning. No matter what happened the day before. No matter what happened in my past, it's all new again. It's a great place to be in.
I am happier than I've been in a long time. My life is going so well. I don't have any major stress. I'm finding myself again. I've realized that this person wasn't the sum of my life. That she has her own issues, many she has no clue are even happening because she's so busy tearing through life trying to keep it together. I don't envy her one bit.
I have a wonderful marriage. I'm taking incredible care of myself. I am enjoying my life, my family, my home, my friends. I feel like I have worth again. I'll always keep this picture as a reminder of where I was and where my new life began. (I'm so glad I'm not that big anymore. I'm not where I want to be yet, but that's behind me anyway!)
Seems like a weighty subject (pun intended), but I think a lot about gaining weight has nothing to do with your food intake. Oh, that's the solution, yes, eat less, but I'm speaking about bigger things. I think there is a part of us fat chicks that stops caring about ourselves and when we do again, it's such a wonderful feeling.
I'm pretty sure that losing your worth isn't just relegated to those of us with weight issues. I'm sure it happens to lots of people in lots of situations. We just wear our worthlessness as a big, uncomfortable suit for all to see.