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Friday, August 8, 2008

Fat Rant of the Day

What if the skinny chicks secretly have some form of parasite that the medical scientists have yet to uncover and their skinniness has nothing to do with their eating or exercise habits, but is instead due to an alien being in their body scarfing up their excess calories?


These are the things that go through my mind while I'm working out. Today, not such a great workout. I tried a Denise Austin workout that I've had collecting dust for a few years. It's title, I'm ashamed to admit, is Bounce Back after Baby and judging from the clothing and hair, was probably made in the 1990s. Why would I dig out such an antiquated tape (yes, it is a tape, and yes, along with my DVD player in my laundry room I have a rusty old VCR that I use for such occasions)? Being that my Baby will turn eleven in the fall, it seems more than laughable that I still had this workout tape. Funnier still is the fact that I, in a fit of boredom and revolt against the Leslie Sansone DVDs that I've been using, decided to pop this one in and give it a whirl.

I knew I was doomed at the start when Denise started to speak. I had forgotten what a nitwit she was. The workout itself was relatively challenging (mostly because she didn't cue steps ahead of time), although I kept thinking that it wasn't too late to Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie, but it wasn't long enough. Her annoying monologue as she thrusted and knee lifted was enough to push me to that angry state of mind that only comes when one is working out. So, I guess in her own way, Denise was motivating to me.

Anyway, my mind started to wander and I started to think about skinny chicks and how, for most of them, it really isn't this hard. I have many skinny friends and they're quick to offer some advice, but most of them readily admit that they've always been able to eat what they want. This inequality isn't worth spending much time on, really. I mean, why beat yourself up for something that you can't change? As my doctor once said, "You might just be someone who can only eat 900 calories a day. That's the bottom line, so figure out how to do that or workout so you can eat more."

In the workout haze I find myself in after about 10 minutes, I like to think about things. And sometimes, like today, my mind starts to wander as to why I got fat and why some stay slim. Today, Denise's sing song voice lulled (or forced, depending on how you look at it) me into thinking about alien tapeworms that might somehow have found themselves into a particularly smug skinny chick who's diet consists of french fries, sour cream, and chocolate chips directly from the bag. Although this skinny chick never really commented on my weight, and I do thank her for that, she often spouted such medical misinformation that it made me snort my coffee across the room. That's a story for another day, one that, I'm sure many medical professionals could share a few chuckles over.

So, twenty minutes later, feeling like a bit of a fool that I didn't pull this tape out and start another workout, I was finished with Denise's aerobic section. Not my usual 47 (not 45, it's 47) minutes of aerobic walking that I'm used to, but I had had enough. Apparently, the workout continued on to some toning exercises, but I couldn't stomach her voice anymore. I cooled down, stretched out, and threw a guilty glance at my exercise band that I use for toning and headed upstairs to meet my day head on.

Vacation aftermath update. I gained a pound. Not great, but I'll take it. Knowing this I should have worked out longer, but this new life is less about the guilt and more about forgiveness. So, I logged it and am moving on. Baby steps.

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