It occurred to me this morning that my son and most of my friends, all my neighbors, and everyone that I've met since moving back home have never known me any other way except fat. It bothers me the most to know that my son has only known me this way, not that it's affected him terribly, except for those times that I wasn't able to keep up with him physically (oh the shame of that!). Kids just want love and attention and as long as you provide that, they're fine-- and I have provided that and then some. But you know that it's true that kids will learn more from your example than anything you could ever say. So, have I started him down a terrible path towards obesity? Have I, by this example, doomed him to the same struggles with weight that I have? Or have I, by providing this new, healthier life, imprinted over that old example?
I wonder, also, if everyone basically thinks of me as that big girl. Or if they describe me to people, say as if they needed to separate me in a crowd at a party, they'd say, "she's the chubby one over there." I never really thought about it before, because my own thoughts have often been very negative in describing myself, I guess I didn't need to go any further. I more times than not think of myself as fat first and then whatever other adjective after. So, the fat, funny girl. The fat, smart chick. The fat, mom. The fat, friend. The fat, wife. The fat, writer. The fat... Is that the first adjective that others have used to describe me too?
Taking a little time to play with words, to play with food, and just to play!